Practice What You Preach

As many of you know, I have been practicing the art of Bellydance for over 25 years and I am also a certified Somatic Movement Educator. Holistic healing and somatic embodiment work is something that fascinates me and for quite a few years I have been working on a wellness project that combines all these passions of mine into a comprehensive women’s wellness program in order to help women embody their Divine Feminine Power through Bellydance, Embodiment Work and Self-Care. Throughout the development of the Diva Dancer Total Women's Wellness Project, one of my core values has always been to practice what I preach and I vowed that when I was ready to begin sharing it publicly, I would never share anything unless I actually embodied it myself first. Naturally a keystone tenet of the work that I do revolves around promoting the importance of learning to develop a more harmonious and more loving relationship with our female bodies. And because I truly do my best to live by that principle, I have to admit that what I’m about to share is a little bit embarrassing.

My Closest Frenemy

For as long as I can remember, I had always had a very weird love/hate relationship with my body. But it wasn’t until I became a teenager and started gaining weight exponentially, that this frenemy relationship really became prevalent in my life. Since then, I’ve gone through so many periods of yoyo dieting and intense exercise where I would lose some weight then gain it back, then I would lose it again and then gain it all back with a vengeance. The term “ugh” pretty much covers the gist of that tedious experience. The pandemic did not help in this respect, because as was the case with thousands of other women who gained anywhere from 10-20 pounds during the nefarious quarantine, I was no exception. I wish that I could blame the pandemic for my weight problem, but I know better. However, after having gained an extra 20 pounds on top of the previous extra 30 pounds I was already carrying around, my dissatisfaction and my unhappiness with my figure, especially with my huge belly, hit an all-time high.

One day, after the nail salons started opening back up, I remember going to my favorite spot to get my nails done for the first time in a year and a half. The young woman who was doing my nails was visibly pregnant and when I asked her how far along she was, she told me she was 7 months pregnant and happily shared about her experience as a first time mother and how it felt to have a growing baby inside her body. Then as is expected in polite conversation she reciprocated by asking, what about you? How many months are you? Ahhh! My facial expression said it all, and I could tell she felt embarrassed because without intending to, she had just called me FAT! I actually felt bad for her and tried to make light of it by grabbing my belly with both hands and saying, no, no baby, just fat. LOL. I don’t know if my response made her feel any better, but one thing it certainly did not, was to make me feel better.

I went back home that day feeling despondent and gravely disappointed that I had let myself go like that, again! But rather than wallow in self-pity I resolved, for the umpteenth time, to drop off the excess weight once and for all. And so, that very next day I started implementing an exercise program that incorporates sit ups and a bunch of exercises to tone and strengthen your abdominal muscles. I remember working sooo hard. I would do these exercises religiously every day. After a few months of relentless abdominal workouts, I remember looking at my belly in the mirror and noticing that it looked just as big as when I started, and maybe even bigger?! And I was so angry, angry and frustrated with my body for not obeying my commands and looking at my BIG BELLY and thinking “why won’t you go away?”

The "F" Word

About six months later, I found myself lying down on the examination table undergoing a routine GYN checkup, and was taken by surprise when my gynecologist said to me: “do you know that you have uterine fibroids?” No, I didn’t know, I said. You haven’t had any pain, any bleeding or unusual changes in your menstrual cycle? she asked. Nope, not that I know of, I responded. So she proceeded to give me a prescription for a follow up sonogram of the abdomen to confirm her suspicion. And lo and behold, on the day of my sonogram the lab specialist confirmed that I indeed had not one, but several fibroids, a few smaller ones and a couple of big ones, the largest ones as big as a tennis ball. And considering how little space there is inside a tiny little uterus (the size of a normal uterus is about 3 inches X 2.5 inches), my fibroids are gigantic in proportion to the size of my uterus! As a lay there immersed in my thoughts, trying to process this new information I had just learned about my body, she broke my concentration by commenting that the reason why my belly looked so fat was because I had an enlarged uterus as a result of the fibroids. Huh?

After the initial scare of finding out that I had these little tumors growing inside my womb, I started researching the subject to learn about the causes and the kinds of treatments available for this condition. In my research I found out that most women who develop uterine fibroids usually have some other symptom: bleeding, pain, some type of discomfort or disruption of their menstrual cycle, and even digestive problems or constipation, but for better or for worse I had not experienced any of the above symptoms.

Old Habits Die Hard

I thought back to all those months of exercising the hell out of my abdominal muscles to get rid of my ‘big belly,’ adding insult to injury while unbeknownst to me, my poor little womb had been suffering from an internal imbalance all along. And God only knows how much more harm I probably caused by performing all those strenuous abdominal exercises without even knowing it. But the joke was on me because after all that effort, I realized that all along, I wasn’t even addressing the real cause of my big belly in the first place! Luckily my fibroids are not cancerous, thank God! But given my extensive experience with embodiment work, I was a little bit disappointed with myself for not having noticed that something was wrong and the whole time, however long this imbalance has been going on, I had no idea these ‘little tumors’ were there.

Because here is the thing: for someone who has prided herself in more than two decades of practicing embodiment work and implementing numerous body-mind practices to help me develop a kinder, more loving and more compassionate relationship with my body (which is one of the core values of my brand), to come to realize that I had basically reverted back to my default unconscious habit of shaming, berating and abusing my body for not measuring up to the unrealistic Barbie doll standard of female beauty that I have tried so hard to renounce during the past two decades, was not only disappointing but actually embarrassing.

At the same time I realized that this experience was just another reminder that this deeply ingrained societal conditioning that puts us women in an antagonistic relationship with our bodies goes deeper than we think. This conditioning isn’t something that you can unlearn overnight because it requires repeated practice and having the courage to admit to yourself when your actions fall short of your goal as well as being willing to forgive yourself for your shortcomings and to start over from square one all over again if necessary.

My Pinky Promise

During a conversation with a dear Sister, with whom I had shared about how bad I felt about my behavior prior to finding out I had fibroids, she suggested that I do a journal writing activity where I would have an imaginary conversation with my womb and ask what it needs from me to heal and then write a response as if it was my womb doing the talking. Since her suggestion was right up my alley I decided to give it a try. And well… how can I put this? Let me just say that the activity turned out to be a lot more involved than I originally expected because in response to my question “what do you need from me to heal?” my womb’s response was the following:

“The reason I have been creating these fibroids is because I don’t know what else to do with all this creative energy I have bubbling up inside of me. And what I need from you more than anything else is for YOU to stop hiding your light and stop suppressing your creativity. And to start SHINING YOUR LIGHT AND SHARING YOUR MEDICINE!

Oh Shit! Ummm, Okay! That was not subtle or vague at all, was it?

Since this “conversation” between me and my womb, happened inside my own mind, I thought, well, no one else needs to know, really. So I could have just as easily ignored it and been like, Nah, that was just my imagination. After all, Wombs don’t really talk like that. Do they? But as a person who has been doing embodiment work for quite a few years, I know better! Because the thing is that when you start doing somatic embodiment work, and you start listening to your body, you find out that it has A LOT to say. Not only that, your body is actually quite clear about what it wants and what it needs to be in balance. And once you open up those lines of communication, then you have no more excuses for ignoring its messages and neglecting its needs.

So, I decided to do what any other responsible Somatic Practitioner would do and used this experience as an opportunity to reaffirm my commitment to developing a more loving and more harmonious relationship with my body. Thus I made a promise to my Womb to help her heal by vowing to honor her request to stop hiding my light and to allow my creativity to flow. Hence the title of this blog article “My Pinky Promise”

A Sacred Invitation

Whether you believe that my Womb's message was real or just my imagination is up to you. But regardless of what you believe, I chose to look at it as a sign that it was time for me to let go of my fears and to start sharing my medicine by launching “The Diva Dancer Total Women’s Wellness Project,” a labor of love 25 years in the making which I am super excited to share with you today.

While some healing journeys are best done alone, others require the element of a safe and supportive community in order to be complete. I believe the type of healing my womb needs is the latter. And what better way to honor my Womb’s request than by embarking on this healing journey in the company of kindred sisters who are also in need of healing their relationship with their bodies and healing their Wombs.

With that said, I would like to extend a special invitation for you to participate in the very first offering of the Diva Dancer Workshops Series: “The Moonday Ritual” a Special Sacred Time & Space where we can come together to honor our Divine Feminine Within, to heal our wombs, to learn to care for our bodies during our special time of the month and learn to harness the power of our Menstrual Cycle through Bellydance, Embodiment Work & Self-Care.

If this is something that resonates with you, I would be delighted if you joined us at the next Moonday Ritual, which are held once a month on the Monday closest to the New Moon via Zoom. Click on the link below to find out the date of the next upcoming Moonday Ritual and to Register.

Click HERE to Register.

Looking forward to sharing this Sacred Space with you.

And until next time we meet, may your Divine Feminine Within smile upon You and Grace you with her Presence.

Love,

Atabuxi

P.S. If you like what you saw here, and you want more information about how you can benefit from the Diva Dancer Project, click HERE to sign up for my email list and get notified about upcoming Diva Dancer workshops.